The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
