Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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