sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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