Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
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Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
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Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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