You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's rum buckets o'clock
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
