Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
