can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
