Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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