dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We're too hungover to prance.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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