her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
