Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
