Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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