he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
