A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
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just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
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he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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