Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
