I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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