It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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