Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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