If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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