Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
