he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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