carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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