i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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