Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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