New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
