just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
