eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
This is the high leading the old right now
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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