So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
