So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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