Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
