I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
