I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
