if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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