His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
