Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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