If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
