Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
