I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
