I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
