just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
