You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
