stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
