Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Girls should come with a carfax report
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
