If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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