uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
