U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
