I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
