The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
BRING THE BAGELS
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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