bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The adults are the big ones right?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
