i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
