It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
