Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
