girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
