I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
