How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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