Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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