How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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