I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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