he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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