nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
