I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
