Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
